Last night in bed with the fella after a lovely day, the subject of babies came up - again. It seems our pillow talk follows a pattern that coincides with my menstrual cycle, at the end of every period I have, inevitably the subject of our future offspring comes up. We both want children but cannot decide when would be a good time, or should I say that I cannot decide when will be a good time.
To him, it's a simple matter of let's get cracking, he has a son already and was always very hands on with all the baby care, but to me it's not that simple. In fact it's frightening. My biological clock reminds me with every period I have that I could be a mum by now. Sometimes the tug of motherhood is particularly strong, other times it's a distant reminder of my future.
But while other women feel that pull so strongly that they don't think twice about getting pregnant, I am the complete opposite. I worry about what I would be leaving behind, I have always been very independent, there are still so many things left to achieve.
The most pressing matter for me is the issue of women 'giving up' independence and potential careers in order to have a baby. I saw my mum struggle as a single parent, to give up and sacrifice her own dreams and needs, to the point where I vowed I would do all the things I wanted before having a baby.
Seeing my mum give up on her dreams in such a complete maternal way left a massive impact on me. Motherhood is hard, you have no idea where it will take you and it is for life. It has never been something I felt the need to rush into, all my fears about pregnancy and raising kids have served as a good contraceptive so far.
I swing between feeling relief at the arrival of my period every month and dejected sadness that my period has come, I make a beeline for the baby section in any store we visit, but quickly change the channel if one born every minute comes on the t.v.
I am neurotically concerned with parenting and fear many aspects of it but turn in to a mother hen, ooohing and ahhing whenever I see a baby in the street, I'm sure the fella has trouble keeping up.
But he patiently listens as I list all my reasons for having a baby and all my reasons for not having one 'right now', he wants me to be happy he says and I love him dearly for putting up with my worrying.
Pregnancy is something that alternately fills me with wonder and dread, I know one day I will be a good mummy, but for now I'll stick to what we've got - a 14 year old and a kitten :)
