Lately I've been feeling a bit wonky, I hate winter, the grey days and persistent rain leave me feeling a bit blue and well, wonky. Now I'm not sure what your version of wonky is but my version of wonky consists of a really foul mood, thinking too much and getting very run down indeed. Winter effectively makes me think too much, how clever of it, who'd have thunk it? Thinking can be a good thing, it can make us change things that need to be changed but my thinking isn't really a good thing, it makes me dizzy. I can worry for england me, in fact I submitted my application to the olympics but they declined, told me I'd have to give up the cigs first.
I've worried about everything and anything conceivably possible such as:
- Am I getting too old to pursue the career I really want
- How long will it take me to get the career I really want
- What if I want babies soon, what will happen to my studies then
- Are the lines under my eyes clearly visible to everyone else or is that just me being neurotic
- Am I being too complacent in my relationship with the fella
- Is the fella being too complacent in his relationship with me
- Should I get another cat, will my current cat accept that
- Should I spend the last of my savings on travel or should I save it for a rainy day
- What if I always feel like this
- I'm not socialising enough
- What if I get pregnant and I get really glum like this
- What if I cant get pregnant.
On and on it goes until i'm waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and do you know I think it's my fast approaching thirty thats doing it. All of a sudden I feel that there is no time to piss about anymore, that I need to be a grown up and make responsible decisions that will inform my future and it all seems so, immediate. Worrying is futile, I know that but it doesn't mean I can switch the worry button off. A good month or so these worries were in my head, taunting me until I poured my heart out to a friend and this is what he said to me, 'You're not a conventional person and you don't follow conventional rules so why are you doing that now? Stop letting other people condition you, don't worry about where you will get and when and whether or not you'll have babies and when. It will happen when you want it too. Look at all the positive things you have now and be grateful'.
It was like a light being switched on in my head, from that moment I let it go (most of it) and stopped worrying so much, he is right, I'd felt the pressure of what other people and society in general had expected of me at one time or other and I was incredulous that I'd allowed myself to play the imaginary milestone game.
And so I took a step back and looked all the positives in my life or at least the positive things that have been in the last month, during my awful wonky winter,
- I've learned to bake and actually quite well, nigella has stiff competition in the food porn stakes now. Yeah o.k I know I haven't got the tits for it but I can still drop a sex face on demand.
- Decided to be a counsellor a few years back. Told everyone I was going to be a counsellor. Enrolled on my third year in january. Changed my mind about being a counsellor. Told everyone I'm not going to pursue counselling after this year. Feel elated.
- Impulse booked a mini break to barcelona in march for fellas birthday. Am now skint, but thats o.k cos I get to go and drink sangria on the palazzo and flamenco like a floosie.
- Grew my bikini line out. Try it. It's liberating and the fella doesn't mind. Woo Hoo!
- Learned to laugh again and that's the best bit of all.