I'd spent the easter weekend back in cornwall, not because I am akin to religion, but because I wanted to see my mum and hangout with the dogs in the sunshine. Whenever I am due to go home I always have mixed feelings about going back, I have no idea why this is but it happens to me every time. It's not as if I leave eons of time between visits either, I get to cornwall fairly regularly, so this makes my mixed feelings even stranger.
I always go through this strange transition on the way down, it's like I'm mentally trying to leave the big city behind, and using the journey to get my 'country' head on.
The week that preceded my visit was particularly gruelling and emotionally draining. I had been working really hard on deadlines for my counselling course and had an exam three days before I left for cornwall. I was in the midst of a training programme for a work related project and trying to get it all done in time.
We had my partners son for the full two weeks of school holiday and to say his behaviour wasn't good is an understatement, in fact he got me so damn angry I wanted to shake him.
I had previously put up with a lot of shit from this kid but I was willing to work through it because I love my boyfriend dearly and he tries his best to make things work. But this last week pushed me too far, I realised I was being dragged down in my own home and I wasn't going to put up with this disgusting behaviour anymore. I'm tired of pandering to and making excuses for bad behaviour, everyone has a limit of what they will and won't tolerate and I put my foot down.
By the time it came to leave for cornwall I was well and truly ready for a break. I spent the whole journey wishing my life was different and wandering why, when I give so much, I get a load of crap in return.
And where I'm usually in two minds about going home, this time, I was really sad to leave my mum to come back.
She put me straight, she let me chill, we laughed, drank and swapped stories about raising kids.
She asked me why I was so down about the situation and why I was allowing myself to be treated badly, she told me that I didn't have to just 'stick it out' and that things needed to be done to change the situation.
What manifested in the time I was there was that I 'found' myself again, I had been so engrossed in this mad situation that I had been thrown into, that I felt like I was losing myself.
I got angry, I got angry for letting myself be so immersed in someone elses issue to the point of making myself ill.
Mum really helped me to look after myself and be true to what I want to do in my life, because this is my life. Home is where the heart is and that is because the people in it really know you and you don't have to explain anything or justify anything when you're having bad time. I was really really sad to leave cornwall this time round, but I know I'm stronger now and will be focusing on moving my life forward.
Thanks mum xx